Maybe it’s because our father loved mountains — and hiking — that I do, too. Growing up in a national park probably helped. You can climb Hot Springs Mountain from right behind the Fordyce Bathhouse on Central Avenue. On some Sundays, we’d take the scenic drive home over West Mountain, up Whittington Avenue from Dad’s church. Every now and then, he’d take us further into the Ouachita Mountains to hike. We’d camp in an old canvas tent and play cards by lantern light. He’d fry fish for breakfast. We’d find box turtles and tarantulas.
Dad once told me he hoped that, if he ever got old and crotchety, he’d just run up a mountain until his heart stopped. His heart stopped without that, but he hiked right up until the end.
If Dad and Hot Springs got me started, why has hiking remained so important to me? I was telling a friend about our recent trip hiking New Zealand’s Routeburn Track, and I found her looking puzzled. “Why do you like hiking so much?” she asked.
Part of it, of course, is the beauty. Hikes are almost always in lovely places.
I spent a summer during college as a salad girl in Glacier National Park. Six days in a row slopping together blue cheese dressing and stashing little glasses of tomato juice into ice chips for waiters to pick up, then off in a Red Jammer to Grinnell Glacier or Gunsight, the Garden Wall or Granite Park. Heart-stirringly beautiful, all of it. In grad school, I wrote to newspapers all over the Rockies, hoping to land a job amid mountains. As a cub reporter in Colorado Springs, I joined in the griping about our $110/week paychecks: “Do they think we can EAT Pikes Peak?” But I loved living alongside its majestic immensity.
The Rockies were my “local” range in those years: the San Juans and the Sangre de Cristos, the Gore and Collegiate ranges. The ghost towns and the sheepherders, high in their silent reaches. Later, living in D.C., it was the Blue Ridge we’d turn to. L.A. offered a magnificent array, from the Santa Monica mountains to the San Gabriels to the Eastern Sierra. Now, in New York, it’s the Catskills we hike each spring and fall, and Acadia in the summer — thanks to my sister, who has climbed every peak in the park.
Just the presence of mountains nearby — knowing they’ll be there when you can find the time to go to them — is heartening. The promise of a lift up out of the dailiness of life. The simple act of placing one foot in front of the other, again and again and again. The silence — and the creak of a giant tree, the scrunch of pine needles underfoot. Day hikes in our local ranges have fed our souls, soothed our worries, strengthened us.
The big hikes add other elements: The uncertainty, sometimes fear, about the degree of challenge. The grit-your-teeth dedication as you keep on going at it, even as your goal seems to recede into the distance. The relief and satisfaction when you’ve done it.
For years, “I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro” was my go-to offering when a meeting leader asked that we “tell something surprising about yourself.”
I was 26 when I made that five-day trip on Kilimanjaro. Three of our small group were teenaged boys; they were the ones who didn’t make it to the top. I think they didn’t want it badly enough. You have to believe it’s your only chance. Otherwise, the headaches, the exhaustion, the vomiting, and the scree at the top that robs each stride of half its gain, will prevail.
After I hiked Kilimanjaro, Dad wrote me, “I have news for you: If you climbed Kilimanjaro because it’s there, it still is.” Grandmother wrote, “I don’t understand why anyone would want to walk up a huge mountain.”
First day outside for a month. Needed to mail birthday cards. I felt I was hurtling downward in the elevator. Such a sensation of speed! Briefly thought they’d sped up the elevator, (BQE traffic average gone up from something like 11 mph to something like 50 – why not ;-). But then I realized, no, my life had slowed down, is what happened. I’m so unaccustomed to movement.
Jose was there, no mask, seemed a bit portlier (could I be transferring my many lost pounds onto him?). Keith there, too, wearing a mask. Both seemed as ever. Out the door — felt like walking out when you’re traveling: a new city to see. Strange, exciting.
More vehicle traffic than I’d expected from looking out the window. But it was 6:30 am, probably a kind of rush hour. And more than I’d expected meant a cluster of three or four taxis, vans, trucks; long space, then another cluster.
The butcher still has a sign instructing peeps to line up down Amsterdam, not 87th, only two people allowed inside at a time, must be wearing face coverings. And there were packages of toilet paper in the window. At the butcher!
Kirsh bakery all shut up. Sad sign saying they’d closed due to the virus, protecting everyone’s health, a GoFundMe available for us to help support the staff, they are HOPING to reopen when the crisis passes. Good luck. Though I will do a contribution.
Picked up our mail and Diane’s — and came shooting up the elevator shaft and back home.
Who knows when I’ll go out again? No more family birthdays til June ;-)
April 25, 2020
Email to Sharon:
Dear one,
We three O sibs are all writing — a gushing stream of family recollections, and then responding to one another. Quite something. It’s been fun, engaging, sometimes unsettling. I do feel like I’m lagging. Re the virus, I’m completely out of the woods, of course, but at first I did a bit too much – 3-and-a-half hour board meeting, plus lots of grandkid time, trying to help out our completely overworked and stressed-out kiddos. Anyway, I’ve sort of zigged and zagged in recovery but am definitely gaining strength. Cough sticking around annoyingly, though.
So many things are going to pass out of our lives. It’s mind-boggling. One small thing (not small to me, but small in The Nature of Things): I think you know we all had our tix to go Maine in July – all except Paul, that is. I guess I knew it was already pretty clear we weren’t going to get to go. But none of us had stated it. Then Nannerl said yesterday that Islesford demands that anyone coming onto the island stay quarantined at home for 14 days. That is, we’d all have to remain there, in the house, on the island, for two weeks, and meanwhile couldn’t go hiking or biking or climbing in Acadia. Not gonna happen. When we told Laura yesterday while FaceTiming with Petra, Laura’s face absolutely fell. It seemed she was so counting on it — as a kind of North Star, a break from this impossible two-working-parents-at-home-with-two-little-kids gig. Which is so hard too on Nell and family. Aaargh. My heart aches for them all. Every now and then one or another is clearly on the verge of tears or other emotional overload.
Still, everyone is healthy, and they all love one another. It will work out. But it does all look so endless, doesn’t it? And so ill-defined as to what happens AFTER…whatever after might mean.
We think we will finally venture out next Tuesday (gorgeous today, but the park would be too crowded). Lord knows we need to.
David has painted our bedroom, and it looks lovely. I’ve gotten out lots of memorabilia boxes and am aiming to make further contributions to the O sibs gush (and I hope simultaneously, or occasionally, also attending to whatever writing it is that I most want to do, but don’t know the identity of!).
I’m grateful that you’re keeping your spirits generally up (or making it look like it?;-), keeping something of a schedule, keeping in touch with J and me and I’m sure others. It does seem everyone is reaching out more than usual, sequestered as we all are.
Further cases in Ingleside, I wonder?
Let me know how you are.
Love you,
GO
April 28, 2020
First day walking in the park since March 22. First day out, period, really. Luminously beautiful day, blossoms , blooms and spring-green buds abounding. Yet it was a constant challenge – if not downright unpleasant. Too many people. I was constantly plotting a way to avoid them. Unnerving.
As David said, we’re so used to being safe inside. That’s part of it. But there really were way too many people.
Next time we’ll pick an ugly day or a very early hour – or dinnertime? Or try Riverside again.
Good news today though: Looks like our City MD can do antibody testing. I may try it someday next week.
April 30, 2020
Email to friends:
I am completely out of the woods, though still dogged by fatigue and a cough. Looks like I can get a test soon for antibodies. I’m eager to do that, despite the fact that nobody seems to know what exactly “immunity” might mean with this beast of a virus. Eager for David to have one, too. Surely he was exposed to it!
Paul is doing amazingly well — in a time when no restaurant jobs are available and no meetings permitted. Thank goodness Arizona has more services available than we’d ever have thought. Our other kids are worn-out, over-extended — and making it. I am so grateful that all four of them are such loving parents. We had a long FaceTime today with James and Nell, reading through a wonderful book about volcanoes and listening to James repeat: Stromboli! Vesuvius! Nyiragongo! Krakatoa! and point with his little cute finger at the map, locating these mysterious (raging and fiery and wonderfully scary volcanoes — “that one erupting!”). One page showed animals running from a violent eruption. Another showed dinosaurs standing by an ancient volcano. I asked James, do you suppose the dinosaurs ran from the volcanoes, too? He said: NO, GoMa, they died.
Working on this sibling memoir project today, I saw a letter from my mother’s cousin, written to me in Zaire, reporting that she had read to my grandmother my letter about climbing Kilimanjaro (speaking of volcanoes). My grandmother replied: I can’t understand why anyone would want to climb such a high mountain.
Yesterday I came across a letter from my Dad, in which he told me: Neve, if you climbed Kilimanjaro because it was there, you aren’t finished, because it’s still there.
Love to you wonderful women,
Geneva
May 4, 2020
Zoom board meeting with NU-Q. Funny to talk to all the Qataris, way over there on the other side of the world where I can no longer go. Felt jittery afterward – too much real world intruding on my seclusion. Suddenly decided I needed a walk. Tamped down all the anxiety I felt after our first excursion, last Tuesday. (Way too many people out, impossible to keep distance. I jumped into the bushes like a creature hunted.)
This time was lovely. Plenty of peeps, but not too many. Mostly either elderly or parents of young children. Nobody jumping in front of me, spitting in front of me, casting his droplets all over me ;-). Walked in my customary haunts. Beautiful tulips on the way over. Gorgeous redbuds strikingly abloom in the park. Walked by the now-removed swings in the pinetum. Tried to take the little wooded path just west of the Great Lawn, but a fellow photographing was standing in the middle of the narrow way.
Regular path over to the theater, then right where the waffle seller isn’t, thought I’d visit the turtles. Too many people on the viewing dock. So to walk around the Great Lawn. But then realized it was open, headed into the lush green expanse sparsely dotted with folks. Strode right out into the middle and flung myself upon the soft-firm ground. Cast off my mask. Took in the clean blue sky. Sang my song of grateful praise, for the beauty of the earth.
Walked back by our bench: “In love and gratitude.” On my way out of the park at 85th and CPW, heard a good snippet. Woman A with two dogs on the path spies woman B, calls out, “Well hi, Marilyn!” “Hey! How are you?” says Marilyn. “I’m fine. Well, you know…as fine as you can be, considering,” says Woman A., “how are you?” “I survived,” responds Marilyn. “You’re surviving?” says Woman A, not sure she heard. “I survived,” repeats Marilyn. “IT!”
Home safe, into the building, Perez complaining about how hard things are with his commute. I’ll bet all the doorman feel that way.
May 5, 2020
Hard evidence, at last:
May 15, 2020
Email to Sharon:
How are you? Can you go out walking now that this lovely weather is here? Even on that lovely short trail near you? Or is the footing bad. I forget. And maybe too many people too?
I’ve had a couple of minor setbacks of late. Some of it seems virus-related; others I know have gone through something like this. Recurring (though intermittent) fatigue and lingering cough. On top of that I got a dang bladder infection and was put on a very strong antibiotic that gave me headaches and constipation. Those are predicted side effects but doc said it was worth it unless things got worse. I seem to have adjusted, because I’m feeling better today.
Meanwhile I’ve just been plain old blue. Our sibling recollection thing has been surprisingly unsettling for me. Kicks up all the old ways that I have felt slighted – always the little sister. I realize this is unseemly and even ridiculous, but it turns out I’ve felt it sufficiently that it didn’t matter that I realized all that. Must be partly because of All That’s Going On — and the fact that nobody knows for how long it will. Not to mention of course the utter degradation of our democracy. And of our earth. In any case, I had to beg off sibs Zoom today.
All good here otherwise;-). I’m reading Savage Beauty, biography of Edna St. Vincent Millay. David now painting hallways. Beautiful walk today in Riverside Park.
Please let me know how you are.
Love, GO
May 16, 2020
Need to sing more. Found suggestions good for harmonizing:
Anything by Simon & Garfunkel has fantastic, tight two-part harmonies. Recommended ones, however, would include:
The Sound Of Silence
El Condor Pasa
America
The Boxer
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Scarborough Fair / Canticle
Cecilia
Mrs. Robinson
Another band possessing fantastic two-part harmonies is The Beatles. Recommended tracks, in this case, would be:
Something – George Harrison (lead) and Paul McCartney (harmony)
I Saw Her Standing There – John Lennon (harmony) and Paul McCartney (lead)
Here Comes The Sun – George Harrison (lead) and Paul McCartney (harmony)
Come Together – John Lennon (lead) and Paul McCartney (harmony)
We Can Work It Out – John Lennon (harmony) and Paul McCartney (lead)
I Wanna Hold Your Hand – John Lennon (lead/harmony) and Paul McCartney (lead/harmony)
Beach Boys: I get around. Surfin USA. Good Vibrations
Crosby Stills & Nash, Simon & Garfunkel, some of The Decemberists (Down By the Water is a nice male/female harmony).
Mamas and the Papas. California Dreamin
Beatles. Michelle. Here, there and everywhere
Red Hot Chili Peppers. Californication. Otherside.
Yardbirds. For your love
The Eagles: Hotel California
Dylan. Knockin on Heaven’s Door
Ben Harper and Jack Johnson: High tide or low tide
Rockapella. Sweet Home Alabama, Basket Case, Stand By Me
Grateful Dead. Sugar Magnolia. Uncle John’s Band
Spirituals:
· Steal Away
· Give Me Jesus
· We Shall Overcome
· Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
· Every Time I Feel The Spirit
· Joshua Fit de Battle of Jericho
· Lord, I Want To Be A Christian
· I Want Jesus to Walk with Me
· He Never Said A Mumbalin’ Word
· Deep River/Shall We Gather at the River
May 17, 2020
Email to Arthur:
Thanks for your good wishes. I felt sad about our not joining you all on Friday.
I’ve been feeling a little blue. (I know: Who isn’t?) There are so many reasons for that, of course, from the virus to climate change to the demolition of our democracy to just some plain old personal sadness. When Friday came around, I was a bit overwhelmed by all of this stuff piling up and didn’t feel strong enough to join in a vigorous sibling talk.
Since then, I’ve been getting better rest and going out on long walks, and generally feeling stronger. I’m grateful for your love and looking forward to talking to you and to Susan Friday. (Please let her know.)
Love,
Neve
May 19, 2020
Locusts, next?
This AM I took my final mean-antibiotic pill. No more bladder infection. Uveitis is dormant for the moment. Less fatigue lately and cough quieting a bit.
Feeling grateful.
Then I flossed my teeth — and a crown fell off🤪.
Dentist can’t see me for a week. I’m lucky he can see me at all, with so many offices closed.
May 24, 2020
Can’t let things pass without noting outrageous failures in U.S. dealings with coronavirus. Beginning with the idiocy of telling people not to wear masks, lack of available testing – and extending all the way to CDC smushing together testing figures – that is, those testing for the active virus and those testing for antibodies. And excusing that by saying states were confused. ACK!
June 5, 2020
Email to siblings:
Dear ones,
I hate this but I’ve got some kind of awful bug. Came on yesterday afternoon. Abdominal pain, low fever, nausea, that familiar slamming fatigue. I don’t know whether the dratted virus makes me more susceptible to all these things that keep popping up or not. But I’m gonna try to join in at the beginning of our call and see how long I can last. I fear not long.
Hardest decision is go to doc or trust my healing. Opting for latter right now.
Love to all, talk soon (briefly?)
go
Later on June 5
Email to fellow Wellesley alums re virtual 50th reunion celebration set for the following morning:
Fri, Jun 5, 2020, 7:26 PM
Dear colleagues,
I am in the ER at Mt Sinai with acute appendicitis. Surgery tonight. No way I can be there tomorrow for our panel. I am so so sorry. With Karen and Nancy, you’ve got journalism covered (hoping someone can relieve Nancy of chat moderation).
Feeling very odd, yesterday and today. That stoned feeling you get when a bad cold is coming on. Not unpleasant. A little floaty and blurred. I’ve been coughing and sniffling – but honestly I’ve done that, to various degrees, ever since we came back from India.
Then last evening, I had that bit of fever. I could tell from how hot my eyes felt in the back. It was very low – not even 100 degrees. I went to bed early and slept a long time – woke up with considerable muscle pain and took an aspirin, went back to sleep. The muscle pain seems very like what I’ve had in my hip previously, especially when I’ve sat on the couch too long.
This morning, reading our breakfast poem, I felt short of breath.
So if I add all this up it could freak me out. And yet each of these things has various possible explanations. Including perhaps fantasy, right? Being scared is enough to make you short of breath, after all. This is what Nell talked about – all the mind games as you try to assess your symptoms and their “progress.”
No diarrhea. A cough that is sometimes dry but often not – often productive. Nasal stuff. All of those are atypical for the dreaded thing.
We got our exercise bike yesterday, and assembled it. Fits perfectly in the spot in the kitchen/DR where D’s desk had been. Took the little (my former) glass desk apart and put it under our bed. Put Diane’s plants in the living room. Hoping they can withstand the radiator heat. Trying to keep them off the most direct spots.
Had a lovely little FaceTime near dinnertime, with James. He sat alone and didn’t fiddle with the phone. Didn’t even have a copy of the book we were reading him – the one we’d sent along for us to read together. And though we’d only read it once, he remembered it, and when we’d come across the goose, he’d honk, the goat, he’d maaa. Then we sang Old MacDonald, and he was wonderfully boisterous. It was such a treat. Such a gift.
April 2
Email to Laurisa:
Well, thanks to you, I had a videoconference with my doc this AM. I’m so grateful! It just happened all off a sudden, there she was, signaling me to pick up for a videoconference. “Tell me your symptoms,” she said in her brisk New Yawk way, “too much email back and forth wastes time.” I told her my symptoms: 100 degree fever in the afternoons for three days, coughing, muscle aches at night and a weird floaty/zingy/disoriented/not unpleasant feeling. And tired. Very tired. She said, well it sounds like you may have the virus. If all goes well, you’ll have a mild case. It takes about 14 days. You’re doing the right thing. Get lots of rest, drink lots of water, Tylenol when your muscles ache. Try to stay away from David. Carry on.
That was essentially it.
Email to family and friends:
Dear ones,
I have been having some mild symptoms for a few days, and figured I had a cold. Out of an abundance of caution, as we say these days, I had a video conference with my doctor this morning. She listened to what I’ve been experiencing, and said I may well have the virus. She was not at all alarmed. We agreed that it sounds like a mild case. She recommends I continue doing what I have been — resting a lot and drinking lots of water. Staying inside. Take Tylenol for muscle aches. Might last 14 days, she said. I had a good long sleep last night. If anything I think I may have had the thing for several days and won’t have too many more to go.
Please don’t worry overmuch about this. I am sure I am going to be okay.
Love,
Geneva
April 3
Email to Laurisa:
My symptoms are SO mild. It’s almost embarrassing. I think we all had this notion that — you got this, you die!!!!! I mean, we read about people feeling no symptoms, or people with mild to moderate cases, but I didn’t picture this. That I, a 72-year-old, could just feel exceedingly tired, cough a bit, have low fevers, feel a bit floaty and blurred.
I am mostly just so so tired. I just want to lie (or sit) and read. I do have a kind of shallowness of breathing. Hard to say a whole sentence without taking a breath.
Anyway, I think I must be able to count at least six days in, so maybe not much more than a week more. My fever has been getting less and less already.
Thank you for having me talk to my doc. I feel reassured that she was so quickly responsive. I’ll never forget the look of her there, all white-robed and brisk, barking at me from the screen!
Tell me how you are. I am going to be absolutely fine.
Later on April 3, another email to Laurisa:
I think the smell thing freaked me out, but then I reasoned that you lose your smell with colds. I definitely seemed to be having a cold. And sometimes you get fevers. It sounds sillier than it felt. I surely didn’t imagine this is what the dreaded virus would feel like! I still can’t wrap my head around it, though I wouldn’t say I have any doubts now that I have it.
But I really do clearly have a mild/moderate case. I just sleep and sleep. I have a low fever every now and then. I’m not very hungry but David feeds me good soups and the like. He leaves them at our bedroom door. He is very loving and I am loving not having to think about anything but getting well. He gets back to everyone to let them know how I’m doing. I had to miss the O sibs Zoom today. I just couldn’t do it. It actually frightened me to think of having to summon up the energy to do that! I don’t want to Zoom with anyone now for a while.
Nell is SO MUCH better!!! That heartens me, since it was just a week ago that she had the test. For now I’m just keeping my head down (literally, most of the time) and devoting myself to beating this thing. I think my body is doing a really good job of it. David is doing well, no signs so far. I really don’t want him to get it.
April 4
David, bless his heart, is playing “For Geneva” on the piano, and I’m having a “lime rickey.” He brings me this sweetened lime and fizzy water to cheer me in the afternoons
Nobody seems to know what to make of this virus. I had no idea that having such difficulty digesting things was part of it. Though for others, it’s diarrhea. It seems to rear its head in so many different unwanted ways, and the only clear mutual signal is absolute slam-the-head-to-the-bed exhaustion. I’ve never felt so wasted.
That first feeling of horror when I couldn’t smell the hand cream? And then, when Nell got sick? I thought the world was over. That’s what the message is. Until it isn’t. For the lucky ones of us. You get it, you get through it. God willing. I just told David that, if a man could love me as much as to write a song like that for me, I had to live.
And Lord knows, it’s the truth. So much to live for. Watching Ben’s video of hide and seek (gawd, I wrote “sick”) — that moment when James shoots up from behind a chair, shouting: “Don’t find us, Daddy, don’t find us, Daddy!” “James didn’t think that through thoroughly,” David said as we guffawed. And Petra, trying on all the voices and special effects available on Marco Polo to cheer us all up. Oh my goodness, I’m a lucky girl.
I know it.
But this is trying, trying stuff. To feel so depleted. And to wonder – surely this can’t be all? To wonder if, still, for all the relative moderation of your symptoms — if somehow it will turn to the horror that robs so many of their very breath.
I don’t think so for a moment. Not now.
PS: But I am mindful, often when I can’t sleep, sometimes in the night, that I want this to be me:
“Often, the virus doesn’t start out feeling deadly, said Katrina Hawkins, an intensive care doctor at George Washington University Hospital in the District. Many patients experience mild symptoms for about a week, then recover.”
And not this:
“But in a small fraction of cases, the disease takes a sudden, dramatic turn. A dry cough and shortness of breath will give way to acute respiratory issues and dangerously low blood-oxygen levels. The body’s immune system unleashes a storm of protective cells and other molecules that can overwhelm vital organs, sometimes causing more damage than the virus itself.”
The same story says some 60 percent of deaths in New York are men. I am even more mindful that I do not not not not want to give this to David.
April 6, 2020
Another day, another…dilemma. The sore eye is not pinkeye. It’s uveitis, come back to haunt my right eye, this time. Good news is I know what to do, so the drops resume. Let’s hope they work. I’ll talk to Dr. Llop again in two or three days, she said at our teleconference.
Had more energy today, marginally. But cough seems a little stickier, voice gookier. Maybe a touch more breathless, but who’s to say.
Nell has been the essence of sweetness. Sending me pictures of turtles. A kind of honey I should order. Podcasts I might like. And videos and photos of her sweet children. What a lovely woman she is. What a loving daughter.
It’s a strange thing to be this sick but to have it mostly be about just being so dang tired. Lethargic. Listless. Not moved to do anything. ANYthing. But I realize I’m lucky if that’s the worst of it. My fevers seem mostly to have gone away. Lots of aches last night, but the Tylenol takes care of them. Actually, I’m not sure about the fevers. Both the last two nights I woke up in great sweats. I thought I was too warm, but I don’t think that was it. So maybe the fevers come in the night. I sort of hope that’s right, since I read somewhere that it’s the fevers that really work the body up to resist the virus.
It’s odd how little is agreed upon about it. My doc didn’t seem to know that red eyes, pain in the eye – this is sometimes a symptom. I found quite a bit about it once I started having it.
Oh well. Back to listlessness, not all bad.
April 8, 2020
I didn’t write yesterday, and I’m not writing today. But I finished “Middlemarch.” And I determined that all those sirens are not coming for me, thank the good lord. (Next up to reread: Anna Karenina.)
April 9, 2020
I want so badly to be able to size this thing up. I fall so far short of doing it, even to myself, in moments of quiet reflection. It seems one of the hardest things that has happened to me – to us. It also seems preposterous that I could be getting away so easily if this is indeed COVID-19, and I am indeed 72. Which both seem to be true.
There are moments when the terror of it pushes through the fatigue and listlessness. One afternoon in particular, when the weight on my chest seemed to be strengthening and I lay in the gloomy room on (yet another) rainy day and listened to the sirens, feeling the pain in my eye: I thought hard about what really would happen, if this seemingly mild to moderate case of mine turned suddenly wrong. All the normal ready-for-the-hospital notions seem ridiculous in the harshness of this virus. Who needs books or chargers or extra underwear when the question is whether you can breathe? David would not be able to come with me in the ambulance, no one could visit me. All my normal “I’ve been so lucky in my life, I’d go now with regret but no feelings of having been robbed of a wonderful life” – all of them came up against “please not like this, not all alone, struggling to breathe,” hooked (if I was lucky) to a machine that would suck as much life out of me as it put in.
Pause here to rassle with CVS to get them to home-deliver my uveitis medication.
But even that quotidian detail shows how right the other part is – the getting away so easy. 800 people died in this city yesterday alone from this ghastly plague. The black and brown died in far greater numbers – the people with less protection, shelter, ability to distance; the people who are doing the essential work (alongside the health workers) so that the rest of us can stay cozy-safe and get our groceries and our exercise bicycles and our crossword puzzles delivered.
I almost always knew that I was going to be okay. The moment when I couldn’t smell the Vicks VapoRub – that was the first moment of fear. A couple of days later, the three days in a row of a fever. That was another. By the time Laurisa told me to contact my doctor, it seemed logical enough. Just get the facts on the record, whatever this is. When the doctor called me the next morning and said, well, sounds like you have it, sounds like it’s mild to moderate. Go to bed, drink a lot of water, and Tylenol for the aches and pains.
Then when my eye began to hurt, and we researched it and it seemed a lot of people had red eyes in connection with the virus. But mine felt disturbingly like the uveitis I’d had so recently in the other eye. So thank goodness I could start the drops. It was a huge relief because I didn’t lie there and think that I’d be in the hospital going blind at the same time I couldn’t breathe. Although, I know, why care about blindness then? Except of course that you hope you’ll be one of the few who comes out of the hospital.
And the sheer torpor. Lassitude. Inability to care about anything, not wanting to eat, listen to anything, write anything. Being actually terrified, that first Friday of the O sib Zoom, of the notion that I’d have to go on and act normal. So far from attainable, that state of normal. In a way all of that was the easy part. The inability to do anything was so crushing a fact that there was no castigating myself for not doing anything. For once.
But honestly most of the time I had no doubt I’d be okay. My fever never went frighteningly high. My coughs were occasionally annoying but never terrifying, as Nell’s had been. I was able to read and read and read. I devoured Middlemarch. It delivered me from evil those four or five days, drew me like a barge along a canal. There was no doing anything but that, and it was such deliciousness to have it.
Wish I could tell George Eliot.
April 11, Happy Birthday sweet Laura Grace!
I think I failed us yesterday – no writing.
It was my best day yet. Woke up feeling remarkably well. Sat up quite a bit, a brief Zoom chat with the O sibs. Some good laughs and warm talks with D, with whom I am now actually sitting in the LR, albeit a good long ways away. TWO episodes of Broadchurch. It was a turning point, an “I’ve surely got this sucker beat now” moment.
And, as such things go, of course I’m much tireder again today. This thing like torpor. I’ve sought the right word. Lassitude. Exhaustion. Fatigue is the usual choice, but it’s far too weak. They all need “utter” in front of them. Arthur laughed when David said “robust fatigue,” but it’s a good phrase for it. (D said he thought saying “extreme” would have scared them too much.) Robust is right. It’s so STRONG, this total sapping of your strength. It takes over everything. Even your mind. Your usual tussle to quit worrying about this or that niggling thing, to replace that with thoughts about what you look forward to or what gave you joy that day: None of that goes on. Complete takeover: It was me, Middlemarch and the bed – sometimes sleep, often just lying there. And the occasional terror. Not often, though. Even that couldn’t push through the robustness of the fatigue very often.
Today I still know I’ll be okay, but the day when I begin really to delve into anything is further off than I’d pictured yesterday.
Tomorrow is Easter. Imagine. The parade will be “virtual” — along with all the Easter services.
We’ll “tune in” to Jeff’s service, though I’d love to hear some glorious music. But can anyone have choirs? I guess not. But they can have organs. We’ll listen to Jeff (10:30) then tune into Washington National Cathedral (11:15) to hear “Jesus Christ is Risen Today.” We’ll play it here, too. Glory, hallelujah. I am so grateful myself to have risen from my little tributary of the valley of the shadow of death.
April 12, 2020, Easter morning!
For long I lay in bed in great dismay
We thought that I would surely pass away
But now we have arrived at Easter Day
And – hallelujah! — I am here to stay!
Haha! This ridiculous ditty came to me immediately upon awakening this morning (only I thought “decay” rather than “dismay.” Decided on a rewrite!).
I got my first hug this morning. It went right in to my little heart and soul.
“This otherwise helpful article, like so much COVID-19 reporting, falls far short of acknowledging how woefully inadequate is our current testing. I began my own bout with the virus on March 30. Eleven straight days in bed, fever, aches, indigestion, loss of smell and utter inability to do anything but lie there. My doctor, with whom I had a video consultation at the outset, told me I likely had a mild-to-moderate case of the virus. I later wrote to ask her how I could be tested. You aren’t eligible, she said. Why? I asked. You aren’t sick enough. I have since heard personally of a dozen people who had the same experience. One woman was told that, unless you go to the ER, you aren’t sick enough to be tested. As for the value of the blood donation after having the virus, the form I filled out in my attempt to donate said I was not eligible unless I had tested positive. Now we hear repeatedly that widespread testing is essential to our attempted recovery as a nation. How did we fall this far behind? Who is in charge of seeing that we move forward? If we don’t even understand just how short we’ve fallen, we are truly screwed.”
Scores of comments showed how many share this concern about our government’s failing response.
April 20, 2020
Today I went to rest in the guest room for the first time in a looooong time. I squeezed out some of the hand cream on the bedside table – the stuff I used almost exactly three weeks ago today. I smelled it. It was awful.
On March 4, 2020, Geneva Overholser
spoke at the Overby Center for Southern Journalism and Politics on the topic,
“A Crisis in Journalism and Democracy.” She was interviewed by Charles Overby,
the center’s chairman, and Greg Brock, a senior fellow there. This transcript
has been lightly edited for clarity.
Charles Overby: Welcome to the Overby Center for
Southern Journalism and Politics. I’m Charles Overby. It’s my pleasure to
welcome you to what I know is going to be an interesting and informative
evening. I’m joined by my colleague Greg Brock, who’s a senior fellow at the
center with a distinguished career in journalism. And we both have the
privilege of having a conversation with Geneva Overholser. Geneva was an editor
at Gannett, and she has done so many things in journalism. For all the
distinguished people that we’ve had here, I can’t think of another person who
has done more different things in an excellent way in the field of journalism.
Geneva
was editor of the Des Moines Register when it won the Pulitzer Prize gold medal
for Public Service. She was on the editorial board of the New York Times. She
was ombudsman for the Washington Post. You know, any one of these things would
probably be a capstone for anybody else.
She was director of the Annenberg School of Journalism at the University
of Southern California. She was chairman of the board of the Pulitzer Prize.
She’s really done it all in journalism, and the fact that she and her husband
David Westphal, who’s here with us tonight and also was a distinguished
journalist. But they’ve come here to Oxford and Ole Miss to share insights with
us. It’s a terrific thing Geneva has been spending time, after you’ve had such
a distinguished career, thinking about some of the major issues before us. And
we titled this program tonight, “A Crisis in Journalism and Democracy.”
Sometimes, titles can be overhyped and so, Geneva, I would ask you just to get
started; is there in fact a crisis in journalism and democracy and if so are
they related?
Geneva Overholser: Thank you, Charles, and thank you for that lovely introduction. I think what it really means is I’m old but I’m glad to be here. And I do think this is not one statement that is overhyped. We do have a crisis and I bet most of us would agree that these two crises are related. There is no question that good journalism is good for democracy. It helps people understand their communities and helps people come together. Healthy communities have often gotten that way in substantial part because they had good newspapers and there’s no question that the demise — it’s way too strong a word — but the enormous weakening of journalism that we have seen particularly locally has contributed to a sense that people are not confident about what they know. Many people are divided because the sources of information have fractionalized.
The evidence has been building for weeks – no, for months – but in the past few days it has struck me with a thrilling clarity: The New York Times is giving us news – good and bad, soft and hard — about a richly representative array of Americans. That hoary presumption that all the news that’s fit to print is male (and white) seems at long last to be under serious challenge.
Last Friday’s Weekend Arts II section, and yesterday’s Sunday Business section ( I read the paper online AND in print, and I sense that this shift may be more evident in print) provided delicious examples. Arts (April 20, 2018) had a lead story on the artist Adrian Piper and her new show at the Museum of Modern Art. Also on the cover was a conversation with the U.S. poet laureate Tracy K. Smith and Jacqueline Woodson, the National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature. Inside, the riches continued: a wonderful gathering of faces (and topics) from all over the American spectrum. Continue reading Our most important news organization is quietly pulling off a revolution→
Boy, is this ever a moment: Sexual harassment has come out of the dark. That’s a great thing. But it’s worrisome. too. The conversations – and the events – are raging like wildfire on terrain that is utterly unfamiliar. Could we think about some guidelines to keep things as fair and truthful as possible? Some considerations to help us generate more light and less heat?
Here are four possibilities:
Accusations should not be anonymous. We should do everything we can (I’m looking at you, fellow journalists) to encourage the people who make sexual harassment accusations to do so under their own names. This honors a longtime journalistic commitment to render information verifiable and to prevent people from harming others with impunity. It’s a good rule for society to follow more broadly. There will be exceptions on this difficult topic (several women making credible claims together anonymously against a very powerful public man?) but the fewer the exceptions, the more progress we’ll make. The fact that so many women have been willing to go on the record lately is an enormous part of why we are where we are today.
Not all sins are equivalent. The term sexual harassment seems to be stretching to cover an awful lot of ground: From a wink and a whistle, through an uncomfortable conversation or an unwelcome kiss, to an erection pressed against you, having your breasts grabbed or a hand thrown under your skirt – all the way up to sexual assault. Throwing all offenders together is unfair and inaccurate. It is essential that we get as close as we can to the truth of each report, uncomfortable as the details may be.
(Note: I wrote this post for LinkedIn, with whom I did a video interview on these topics)
A tangle of questions troubles journalists these days: Why are we so distrusted? Can we survive the loss of the advertising that supports us? How do we stand up against the control that behemoths like Facebook and Google have over our futures? And what do we do about the growing assaults on truth telling from bots and hackers, viral deception and foreign meddling – let alone our own president?
I want to add this to the tangle: How can we bring these questions to you? And how can we bring you into the discussions? I want to do this because I worry that, unless journalism matters to the people it exists to serve, it may not exist at all for long. So, if you think that being able to count on a fundamentally reliable supply of information in the public interest is critical to you and to our democracy, here are four things I’d ask you to think about:
Journalists increasingly (I could add, belatedly) understand that we need to do a better job of serving the public’s needs. There are scores of efforts underway to get at the question of how to win the public trust. Some are focused on being more transparent or more inclusive of different viewpoints and voices. Others emphasize listening better and engaging with their communities in creating the news. There is a recommitment to ensuring that journalism is fair, balanced, verifiable and proportional, as well as a new awareness that we must focus not just on what goes wrong, but on the equally newsworthy (and hope-inspiring) things that go right. Perhaps most important, there is a growing understanding that we must direct our fast dwindling resources toward watchdogging government and business, probing the dark corners of poverty and injustice, and providing the basic information needed for effective citizenship.
You – Mr. and Ms. Public – also have a responsibility, one that is unfamiliar to most: to be the curators of your own media diet. Until recently, news simply came to you (for free or cheaply), and you received it. Nobody felt the need to teach her kid how to be mindful of seeking the balanced diet that would produce civic health, choosing what was best for her, demanding better when it didn’t satisfy. Now that the top-down model is gone, it’s little wonder that we live in a chaotic world of half-truths and worse, or that we have trouble figuring out what information came from where — whether the author was a trustworthy source or a kid in Macedonia making a buck off our gullibility. All of us now shape our common news world through the choices we make about what to read or watch or view – and about what we write or share or like. But few of us understand how potent that responsibility is.
If news is going to survive, it will be because the public views it as a civic good, a democratic necessity, and thus is willing to support it. We know that education is essential to a self-governing people, so we fund public schools. We know that human beings need art, so we pony up for admission. Our journalism has long been paid for by advertisers – you, the reader/viewer/listener were the product, not the customer, which made things run effectively but also had some unfortunate aspects, such as disconnecting journalists from readers. Now that advertising tied to news is collapsing, and unlikely ever to return to its previously vigorous state, someone is going to have to pay for this often costly thing that is original journalism. Philanthropy has a role (community foundations, for example, as well as wealthy individuals), and we are already seeing it come into play. But I am convinced that the best journalism will be the journalism that is supported in substantial part by those whom it serves.
Journalists’ failures, and the public’s obliviousness to the challenges, have contributed to the parlous state of news today. But there are other potent forces arrayed against the public’s ability to receive a reliable and fair-minded news report. Powerful critics, backed by individuals of enormous wealth who feel inconvenienced by a free and independent press, seek to weaken it. Intrusions from other nations, as well as individuals making money off falsehoods and deceptions, thrive in the largely human-judgment-free zones of our social-media platforms. Facebook and Google may at long last have acknowledged that they are indeed in the business of providing information – along with the viral deception that infests it – but their responses to date are baby steps. Meanwhile, they sap advertising from traditional journalism organizations, and strip them of their ability to project their own brands – a huge challenge to building trust (not to mention to building an economic model). Extremist publications, poor in truth but rich in demagoguery, render the essential democratic necessity of coming together around common facts a near impossibility. These forces, arrayed against the time-honored notion that “the truth will out,” are not sufficiently understood. And they are far from being adequately addressed.
It’s clear that Americans widely distrust institutions generally, and media organizations in particular. And we seem intent on dividing bitterly along partisan lines, putting our faith (such as it is) in different news sources. So maybe an appeal to join in a common effort seems doomed. But I’m talking about something well beyond today’s dissatisfying landscape. What if you truly felt that there was no source of information that you could rely on to sort fact from fiction? No one to turn to, in a disaster, to find out what really happened? No source you trusted to certify a quote, or a death toll, or determine whether your city council had passed a law that will change your life?
Such a situation is far from unimaginable today. Indeed, I think I can see it on the horizon. And the main thing standing between now and that looming possibility is whether the public begins to see it, too.
People will be parsing this election for years to come. Here’s one thing I know: Journalism failed us badly. Since we are going to need good journalism more than ever in the days ahead, I offer some thoughts about what went wrong:
The bottomless well of Trump coverage early on. This is mostly attributable to cable, but it was true of television more broadly, and it influenced print and online media as well.
As the Times story said, “Over the course of the campaign, he has earned close to $2 billion worth of media attention, about twice the all-in price of the most expensive presidential campaigns in history. It is also twice the estimated $746 million that Hillary Clinton, the next best at earning media, took in.”
Of this development, CBS Chairman Les Moonves famously said: “It may not be good for America, but it’s damn good for CBS.” Here’s what else he said: “Man, who would have expected the ride we’re all having right now? The money’s rolling in and this is fun. I’ve never seen anything like this, and this going to be a very good year for us. Sorry. It’s a terrible thing to say. But, bring it on, Donald. Keep going.”
Gwen came out to Los Angeles to receive the 2011 National Cronkite Award at USC. The judges (I was honored to be among them) cited her (and her co-winner Judy Woodruff) for election coverage “focusing on the issues, talking with real voters and letting the candidates explain themselves,” adding that “they avoided the horserace component that is so typical in political coverage.”
How powerful those words feel now, at this moment of loss.